The thought of publishing something on the internet for the whole wide world to see is…in a word: terrifying–especially since I am fairly archaic when it comes to technology. I do not own a smartphone. Yes, I know that makes me rebellious. I did not own a cell phone at all until I was about 24 and everyone else in my life owned one, and that was only to stay in touch with relatives as I drove cross-country. I didn’t get a facebook page until 2008, and that was only to stay in touch with former students when I left my school. I text in complete sentences–with punctuation. :} My approach to the digital world somewhat resembles a child cringing and holding out her hand to have a splinter removed. Will it hurt? I’m wincing, but I’m still peeking. I don’t even know what 90% of the links and icons on the side of the webpage right now are for.

Several friends have suggested I start a blog. I am a writer. It is how I process the world. However, my writing normally takes the form of pen and journal, laptop and novel, facebook posts limited by privacy settings, etc. As incurably transparent as I am in person, the thought of publishing myself with no control over the audience makes me feel very exposed. And I am decidedly not an exhibitionist.

At this point, most of you are probably assuming I am more spinster than youthful. Depending on your reference point for marriageable age, I suppose, you might be right–especially if you live south of the Mason Dixon line. But, truthfully, I am just very resistant to change, particularly to the routines and landscapes in my life. Which is actually what brings me to the concept of this blog (despite my fear).

For as long as I can remember, my primary ambition in life has centered around being settled: planting roots, firmly; finding a place to belong to and fit into a role; making a cozy home; achieving financial and vocational security; finding a spouse to be a permanent companion. Security. Predictability. Familiarity. Reliability. Stability. These are the cornerstones of my dreams. (Okay, so my dream house has a lot of corners. What are you, an architect?) Mysteriously, just about every one of those cornerstones has either eluded me altogether or has been roughly uprooted from whatever ground I have managed to plant it in. Over, and over, and over again. Every, single one. Meanwhile, I have watched countless friends and acquaintances (most ironically, my thrill-seeking, wanderlust-stricken brother) acquire these things–some finding them effortlessly, some stumbling into them unexpectedly, some even getting pulled into them reluctantly. And here sit I. Somehow my adventurous, restless younger brother has landed himself into a career, marriage, and home ownership while I continue to find my carefully planted roots forcibly replanted at every turn. My possessions in storage, living in someone else’s home, searching for a job in my field without luck for three years after graduate school, as single as a one dollar bill, in and out of health insurance, and having depleted my accumulated savings multiple times.

The last five years of my life, in particular, have been fraught with instability, unpredictability, disappointment, upheaval, and confusion. All the paths I carefully planned as a youngster, a college coed, a graduate, a teacher, a graduate student–none of them have gone according to plan. I’ve had a lot of breakdowns, tantrums, panic attacks, depressions, tv binges, puffy eyelids, and neck cramps in the last five years. I have never winced or cringed so hard in my life. But, then, much to my surprise–despite my best efforts to force God’s hand into rescuing me from my distress by following my wishes–I have also found love, peace, growth, beauty, intimacy, freedom, clarity, community, identity, purpose, and faith. Of course, the two sides of the coin seem to flip with some regularity, but slowly, the negative side seems to linger less. At any rate, I’ve done a LOT of journaling and writing over this time period. I would like to remember the lessons I have learned over this period, and to help anyone else facing similar circumstances to know they are not losing their mind (at least not permanently). Most importantly, I would like to continue to see God at work in my unexpected destinations and pit stops (and u-turns), and to praise Him for His faithfulness to answer the deepest longings of my heart while denying most of the superficial ones. So, I am starting a blog. I expect it will be full of unexpected turns, too, but also, hopefully, unexpected rewards. Hopefully, you will be blessed by what you hear here. (This is your cue to pipe in with the cheer resembling that pair of homonyms.)

DISCLAIMER: Singleness has been one of the largest circumstances that has seemed like a dead end, and was the catalyst for the journey I have been on for the last 5 years. But, it is by no means the only struggle, or even the most challenging one. So, while I have titled my blog after my singleness, this will not be a blog about singleness, as such. I intend for it to be a blog about disappointment, discovery, and dependence on God.

Okay, I am staring at that little, blue box that says “Publish” and thinking this was a really bad idea….

….Oh well.