I often feel that the biggest obstacle to eradicating systemic racism is not the racism itself, but the total obliviousness of so many white Americans. I was certainly oblivious for most of my life, and it is a harsh awakening to realize that the stuff you studied in History class is not history and that the epic battles won in court and on paper do not actually play out that way in real life. It is hard to wrap your head around a whole parallel experience in society that you never really witness first-hand. It is easy to dismiss as individual incidents, anomalies, exceptions because it doesn’t happen where you live, it doesn’t happen to you, and it’s not something people generally discuss in front of you. Rightly so, I’m ashamed to say. I was not a safe person to talk to for most of my life. I didn’t get it.
All that to say, I am encouraged to see more and more people of all generations in white America waking up, opening their ears and eyes, and being able to put aside their own experience to recognize another frame of reference.
“Justice will not be served until those who are unaffected are just as outraged as those who are.” ~Benjamin Franklin
There is a time to get angry. That time is long past due. If you are finding yourself feeling behind on this issue, learn from my experience:

Step 1: Start by eavesdropping. There are so many venues for you to listen to African American voices and educate yourself and move past your defense mechanisms in private before you put your foot in your mouth. Look at social media posts on current events from African American friends or strangers. Read the comments and see the discussion. Watch movies like “Just Mercy”, “13th”, etc. Read biographies. (Just Mercy, The Short and Tragic Life of Robert Peace, The New Jim Crow, Makes Me Wanna Holler, Between the World and Me).

Step 2: Once you feel you can listen without getting defensive, suspending disbelief, or feeling overcome with guilt/fear of judgment as if this is about you, start talking to your African American friends and colleagues. “I don’t know what to say, but I am so sorry this is happening,” is a great place to start. “I know I don’t get it, but if you ever want to talk, I’m listening,” is another one.

Step 3: Share what you are learning with your white friends and family members! Many times, this will be awkward and met with counterpoints, disbelief, resistance because they are still operating out of the framework of their own experience and are not able to accept realities they haven’t experienced yet. Share anyway. When you feel frustrated and exhausted, and annoyed at having to explain things for the second or third, or fourth time, stop and imagine how much more exhausted and exasperated your African American friends must feel. Having your pain and oppression denied or dismissed by people who claim to care about you has got to be one of the most despair-inducing parts of this fight. We can fight this battle and catch these stones for them. (Also, try to remember that your own viewpoint is fairly recent and you were just as much in denial not too long ago. Stay humble.)

Step 4: Find ways to give away your privilege, to use it to help others rise. This can certainly look like protests or donations to charities fighting for equity. But, it can also look like finding organizations in your own community that are seeking to build opportunity and dignity and getting involved. The options are endless–partnering your church with a local congregation that is more diverse, volunteering to tutor or mentor at a local school, community center, or juvenile facility, coaching in a community sports program, etc., etc. Obviously, a great place to start is asking How can I help?”

Step 5: When you screw up (because you will) by stepping on a stereotype you didn’t even know existed or failing to see the implicit bias in your own views, or missing the mark on saying something helpful, apologize and let people know you want to do better. Do not let fear of missing the mark cause you to remain silent or do nothing at all. Let your friends know, “I am still learning, and I probably won’t always get this right. If I ever say or do anything that is hurtful or ignorant, please tell me! I don’t know what I don’t know, but I want to learn and the last thing I want to do is hurt you.”

There is a long history of “weaponized whiteness” in our country (using the knowledge of one’s power status to get one’s way and protect one’s power status). But weapons can be used to defend those with less power status as well. There have to be ways to turn our current privilege into defensive weapons, protecting and supporting those without it. But, first we have to be able to see the weapon. So, go back to number 1. 🙂

{P.S. If any of this misses the mark, please let me know! I am still learning, and I probably won’t always get it right. But, I don’t want to stay silent anymore and the last thing I want to do is hurt you or reinforce the subtle parts of the problem.}