“You have taken account of my wanderings; put my tears in Your bottle. Are they not in Your book?” Psalm 56:8

            Emma smiled as she read the familiar verse in Abby’s e-mail that night. It had been her own go-to verse for friends suffering heartaches of various kinds since college. “Remember,” Abby had typed below, “God isn’t indifferent to your tears. He’s recorded every, single one. Love ya, Abs.”

            Emma copied the verse into her prayer journal before bed. Thank You that I can never wander beyond Your reach, Jesus. And thank You for noticing my tears, even when I don’t notice Your presence. Please help me get back to the place where I can feel You holding me. Amen.

            Sunday, Emma felt a little lighter from having unburdened herself to Abby. Not better, exactly, just lighter. Resolving that it was not healthy to self-isolate, Emma RSVP’d to a jewelry party a former student was hosting which she’d been invited to weeks ago. Sarah Kate had graduated several years earlier. Emma had attended her wedding almost two years ago. They had always gotten along well and had stimulating conversations about life, theology, current events, etc. Emma liked Sarah Kate because, although she was very much in love with her husband, she was not excessively girly or limited in her interests to homemaking and romance. She had always struck Emma as a very global thinker, and Emma was happy for an opportunity to catch up with her.

            The other invitees were mostly girls from church who were around Sarah Kate’s age. There were also two married women closer to Emma’s age whom she knew but not well (since she didn’t participate in the young marrieds Sunday school class or frequent social circles of families with young kids). Maybe this will be an opportunity to make some new friends, Emma suggested to herself.

            When Emma arrived at Jump and Java, however, she was not greeted by an encouraging sight. Everyone was hovering around Charlotte, one of the young 20-somethings Sarah Kate had grown up with, who was extending her left hand and beaming with a bridal glow. Emma’s stomach immediately dropped and she immediately assessed the possibility of escaping unseen. Sarah Kate graciously greeted Emma before she had a chance to sneak out. Darn. After thanking Sarah Kate for the invitation and setting her stuff down, Emma quickly retired from the private meeting room back to the main café to order a decaf chai whip—triple tall. Too bad they weren’t meeting somewhere that served alcohol. She needed time to steel herself emotionally for this, and she was going to need something to occupy her while everyone else chattered in high-pitched tones. Armed with 14 ounces of sugary caffeine, Emma took a deep breath to muster her nerve and returned to the party.

            She entered just in time to hear the picture-perfect proposal story—complete with personal, sentimental touches and a hidden photographer. Emma took a large swallow of her chai whip and seated herself toward the end of the table, the end nearest the door. As there were only eight women present, Charlotte was the center of attention and there was only one conversation to attend to. After sufficient admiration had been paid to Charlotte’s perfect love and future happiness, Sarah Kate officially began the party by introducing the jewelry created by her close friend, Anna Laura, and passing around samples.

            Anna Laura circled the table—accepting compliments, taking orders, and answering questions—while the guests talked amongst themselves. Unfortunately, Emma seemed to have placed herself at the younger, lovesick end of the table.

            “Wow that was such a romantic proposal story!” a girl named Ansleigh sighed. “I remember when Austin proposed to me. I still get goose bumps whenever I think about it.”

            “How did he propose?” another girl asked. Emma stifled a groan with another large gulp of chai whip.

            “I thought everyone knew that story. I never told you?”
            “I can’t remember.”

            “Oh, this is such a good story,” a third girl gushed with a highly unnecessarily high squeal.

            “Well, it was the second anniversary of our first date, and he took me back to the same restaurant. But he blindfolded me…” Ansleigh began.

            Emma began closely examining the beadwork on the necklace in her hands. To her chagrin, neither proposal story seemed terribly cliché or cheesy. They both sounded very sincere and meaningful, actually. So, she couldn’t entertain herself by secretly mocking or critiquing their movie moment as unoriginal or exaggerated.

            “Are you and Tyler talking about marriage yet, Heather?” Charlotte asked a fourth girl when Ansleigh had finished her story.

            “Yes. We both know we want to get married, but we’re going to wait until he finishes his internship to get engaged.” Emma realized that she had seen Heather on the arm of one of the youth interns at church, who was heading up a mission trip to somewhere that coming summer.

            “You two are so perfect together,” the third girl gushed again. Emma wondered if she ever got cavities from that sickeningly sweet tone of hers.

            “I know. It’s amazing how God matched us so well together. I knew I wanted to marry Tyler from the first time he shared his testimony. He had such a strong passion for working with kids. And he had no idea that I’ve worked at Camp Hope every summer since high school. Our goals are so in tune with one another.”

            “That’s important,” the gushing girl said.

            There was a brief pause, and Emma decided to try to change the focus of the conversation without rudely changing the subject entirely. “Are you and Tyler planning on going into full-time ministry?” she asked Heather.

            “Hopefully,” Heather nodded. “We’re exploring some different options right now with either another internship or a full-time position. We’ll just wait to see where God calls us.” Emma prepared a follow-up question about children’s ministry, but was interrupted.

            “I think you just know when it’s right. That’s why you have to wait until you’re really in love with someone. You know?” the saccharine voice gushed to Emma’s right. Emma was really beginning to dislike this girl.

            “I totally agree,” Ansleigh concurred. “Don’t marry someone you can live with; marry the one you can’t live without.”

Well, that’s helpful, thought Emma sarcastically. Glad you had lots of someones to choose from. What if you don’t even have someone you can live with? What if you haven’t met “the one” and you already can’t live without him?

            “I think Josh is the one,” the bubbly girl continued. “When he came back from school this May, we just couldn’t stand being apart anymore. We spend like every spare second together. There have been a couple of times when we’ve been holding hands and we’ll just look into each other’s eyes. You know those moments when you’re just totally sure of each other and it’s like the rest of the world just disappears. And you know he’ll always be there?”

            “Yes,” Ansleigh and Heather sighed, along with a couple of other girls.

            No. I have no idea what those moments feel like. I can’t even imagine someone looking at me that way without imagining myself as someone else, Emma thought.

            “I feel like God put Austin in my life to tangibly show me His love for me. There are so many times that Austin is an example to me of God’s extravagant and tender love. I never dreamed that God would have something so perfect in store for me. I can’t imagine myself without him,” Ansleigh reflected.

            Emma immediately called over Anna Laura to place an order for a necklace she had no real intention of wearing and couldn’t really afford on a private school salary. She excused herself from the party shortly afterwards, telling Sarah Kate she had some paperwork to get done at home but that the party was lovely.

            “Nothing, God. I have NOTHING to tell,” Emma began praying loudly as soon as she was in the car. “‘I went on this date once.’ ‘Wow, you’re so lucky, Emma.’” She mimicked an imaginary conversation with the girls about her own life. “‘Haven’t you ever been in love?’ ‘No. Can’t say that I have. Evidently, I’m the invisible woman.’” She huffed and then let out a mild, angry scream as she pulled out onto the street. After a minute or so of silence, she could feel God assuring her: I love you. “I know,” she replied somewhat unconvincingly. I’m here. “I know,” she conceded. “It’s just so frustrating. No one’s ever loved me like that, and probably no one ever will. I don’t feel like I even exist when I’m around those conversations anymore. Who is going to be there to witness my life and face hardship with me and tell me who I am when I forget? Because, I don’t know if You’ve noticed, but I’m pretty good at blocking You out, and I no offense, but You’re not the greatest for dates and romantic staring contests.”

            By the time she pulled into her driveway, Emma was getting a bit teary in spite of her best efforts to the contrary. “This is not a reflection on You,” she said toward the sun shining through the clouds. “I just can’t help it.” She made it inside before the tears broke. However, she only cried for about five minutes before it subsided. Then, she did a yoga routine and read Psalm 56 again before turning in for the night. After tossing and turning fretfully for over an hour, she finally had a glass of white wine and turned on her wave sound machine before finally falling asleep.

            Friday normally meant a lunch out with Shelley and Sharona, but Sharona was on vacation with her family. So, it was just Emma and Shelley this time. It had been a while since just the two of them had been out together. They decided to opt for a quieter sandwich shop rather than their usual—O’Charley’s.

            “So, how was the jewelry party?” Shelley asked as she mixed her Splenda, lemon, and unsweet tea. Emma just groaned. “That bad, huh? I thought Sarah Kate had pretty good taste.”

            “Oh, it wasn’t the jewelry that was bad. I mean, it wasn’t really my style, but it was good. It was the conversation revolving around the blushing new fiancé that was uncomfortable.”

            “Oh? Tell me all about it.” Emma smiled at Shelley’s apparent empathy. In reality, she was hoping to drink in all the juicy details. “Was it horribly sappy?”

            “No, actually. A bit traditional, I guess, but it sounded kind of perfect.”

            “Well, that’s good. At least you weren’t disgusted listening to the story.”

            “True. But then, for the whole rest of the night, no one could talk about anything else. It was all engagement stories, and love stories, and how wonderful their husbands and boyfriends are. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. I even ordered some $20 necklace. I don’t even know what it looked like. I just bought it so I could leave without being rude.”

            Shelley laughed. “So you felt like a fish out of water as the single woman?”

            “The permanently single woman,” Emma added. “I swear I was the only one in the whole room who wasn’t in love and married or fixing to be. I felt like an impostor at the love convention or something, just holding my breath and praying not to be discovered.”

            “What did you think they were going to do to you if they found you out?” Shelley smirked.

            “I don’t know.” Emma rolled her eyes. “Stare at me in shock probably,” Emma reflected before adding, “or worse: pity.”

            “Ooo, that would be a fate worse than death,” Shelley commiserated, somewhat sarcastically.

            “It would be!” Emma insisted. “It would confirm what I already think—that I’m some sort of freak and that no one’s ever going to fall in love with me; that I’m never going to fit in with the ranks of womanhood; I’ll just die a sad, cautionary tale against focusing too much on personal growth and not enough on flirtation.”

            “Emma, you’re one of the most stable single women I know,” Shelley assured her. “You’re much more likely to be held up as a role model than as a cautionary tale.”

            “Well, I don’t feel so stable anymore,” Emma admitted. “I sort of feel like I’m fading into oblivion. It’s like I’m a man without country or a ship without harbor or something.”

            “I remember that feeling,” Shelley nodded sympathetically. “It’s a scary place to be.”

            “Yeah, it is.” Emma tried to picture Shelley in her young, single years and realized that she didn’t know very much about Shelley’s life between college and motherhood. “How old were you when you got married?”

            “Twenty-six,” Shelley replied before taking a long swig of her artificially sweet tea. “In retrospect, I was a bit young to be panicking, but all my friends were already hitched and I was itching to get out from my parents’ roof and start my own life. That’s how I wound up marrying Rob. He was the first one to really pursue me, and I was determined to not be alone. I knew he wasn’t God’s best for me, but I had sorta given up hope that God was going to provide a husband.”

            “You knew when you married him that he wasn’t the right guy for you?!” Emma asked, hand frozen in midair between her plate and her mouth. Emma knew the source of frustration and pain Shelley’s ex had been to her. They had two children together before he developed an addiction that eventually led her to pursue a divorce. Shelley practically had to guilt him into spending any time with the kids now, and felt conflicted whenever he did because he was such a poor example for them. He never supported her financially, which is why Shelley had returned to the workforce. Although she was completely at peace with her decision to divorce Rob, he was still a source of anxiety in her life. Emma had always assumed that Shelley had entered marriage with rose-colored glasses, thinking everything was perfect until it went horribly awry. “I thought you said you were blindsided by what happened with Rob.”

            “Well, I was in terms of his addiction. I was totally naïve and didn’t see the signs until he was pretty far gone. That was after we’d been married for a number of years. But, even in the beginning, I knew he wasn’t someone I was supposed to marry. I just thought that he seemed to love me, and I loved him, and it was better than nothing.”

            “How did you know you weren’t meant to marry him?” Emma put her sandwich back on her plate and took a sip of mint sweet tea instead.

            “I don’t know; I just knew. I mean he went to church with me and knew a lot of the Christian lingo, but I knew that he wasn’t really walking with the Lord. I remember standing in front of the mirror the night before my wedding. I was all decked out in my wedding gown and veil, and I felt uneasy. I remember praying, ‘God, should I go through with this and marry Rob tomorrow?’ I distinctly heard God answer, ‘No’—not audibly, of course, but clear as day.”

            Emma couldn’t keep her jaw from dropping open. “So, why did you go through with it, then?” She was completely aghast.

            Shelley shook her head and looked past Emma. “I thought, ‘Lord, I’m sorry, but You haven’t provided anyone else. This may be the only man that’s ever going to love me, and I’m not missing my chance. I’ve tried to wait for You, but I can’t wait anymore. This is my chance and I’m taking it.’ I was so afraid of being alone.”

            Emma managed to regain control of her jaw and break her piercing stare with a blink. She tried to absorb what Shelley was telling her. Shelley refocused her gaze and made eye contact again. “Wow,” was all Emma could think to say.

            “Yeah. Think of all the heartache I’ve brought into my life, and into my kids’ lives. I know it’s tough, Emma, but you have to just trust God and be patient. Maybe He’s got a man out there waiting for you. Maybe He doesn’t. But I guarantee you that His will is better than anything you can conjure up for yourself, believe me. You’ve got a good head on your shoulders. Don’t give into those feelings of hopelessness. They won’t lead you any place good.”

            “You’re right. I guess I should be thankful that I haven’t been pursued by any guys while I’m in this emotional state.”

            “Yes, you should,” Shelley emphatically agreed. “God is protecting you, sugar; even if it doesn’t feel like it.” They both took a bite of their sandwiches before speaking again.

            “It still stinks, though,” Emma admitted, smirking.

            “I know, sweetie,” Shelley laughed. “So, about that proposal story—”

            While Emma was walking through her neighborhood that afternoon, she kept reflecting on Shelley’s story. She could not imagine directly defying God’s voice in a clear, personal warning. But she had to admit, she could imagine not asking for His opinion at all. She could also imagine ignoring the biblical guidelines for a suitable mate if some “good guy” started pursuing her. She wasn’t quite at the point of Shelley’s youthful desperation, but if she was honest with herself, she’d have to admit that she wasn’t too far behind.

            Thank You for letting me hear Shelley’s story and thank You for not giving me an opportunity to do something stupid this past six months, Emma prayed. Please help me to trust You again and be strong. I guess no marriage is better than an unhealthy marriage. I’d rather be single and lonely than married and lonely. And, God, please provide Shelley with a godly husband at some point in the future. Amen.

            When she got home from her walk, Emma tried to be grateful that her house was empty of a hostile or distant mate rather than sad because it was just empty. It worked, until she finished her dinner and pondered what to do with the rest of her evening. She could go grocery shopping, but then she’d only have a larger chunk of open time to fill tomorrow. Just as she was about to resign herself to another movie rental, the phone rang. It was Abby.

            “Hey, they’re showing The Princess Bride at Piedmont Park tonight. Andy’s coming over and we’re driving down early for ice cream. Wanna come?”

            “Um, yeah. That actually sounds kinda perfect,” Emma replied. “What time are y’all leaving?”

            “In about an hour.”
            “Okay. I’ll head right over. I’ll bring a blanket and some lemonade.”

            “Great. See you soon.”

            The weather was perfect, and they had a great time watching the movie. Jackson and Andrew insisted on throwing sound bytes from the movie into the conversation the whole way home. It was actually somewhat impressive. They managed to paraphrase or directly quote a line for almost every comment they made. Abby and Emma gave up having a real conversation before they even reached the car; they insisted the boys sit in the back while the “grownups” talked up front.

            “As you wish,” Jackson replied while Andrew opened the front door for Abby with a bow. Jackson handed Emma the keys and got in back with Andrew. Emma and Abby rolled their eyes and laughed before getting in.

            “Thanks for providing me with surrogate family here,” Emma prayed as she drove home from Abby’s house. “I’m sorry I’ve been ignoring Your provision and protection in my life. I guess I’ve sort of been treating You like the neglectful, indifferent husband that You’ve been lovingly guarding me from acquiring. I’m so sorry for treating You like an ex. Help me see You as the attentive, compassionate God that You are. You are a husband to the husbandless, according to the Bible. And You’re far superior than any other husband could be. So, help me appreciate that more. Teach me how to let myself be loved again, Lord. And please send someone to love me.”