“Happily Ever After”

The phrase permeates our culture, our narratives, our dreams, and our hopes. The concept either tantalizes or haunts us. This is especially true among the ranks of single women, where “happily ever after” seems to conjure one of two, very strong, emotional reactions:

1. Dogmatic hope and optimism, or

2. Bitter cynicism and disillusionment.

Those women who fall into the first category tend to consume romantic comedies like carbs, invest in online dating websites, write letters to their future husbands who have yet to materialize, and dvr every bridal show on TLC so they can draw up the blueprint for their own perfect weddings. Those who fall into the latter category tend to wear black on Valentine’s Day, listen to angry chick rock, hang dart boards with photos of exes on them, and avoid bridal showers like the plague. Okay, that’s a bit of an exaggeration, but the fairy-tale ending elicits exaggerated emotional reactions from single women fairly regularly–reactions which I sometimes find nauseating, even as a fellow single. To be fair, though, I can’t really blame them for having these reactions. I mean, the script of finding your identity, happiness, purpose, and general life fulfillment by finding the right guy to fall in love with is practically crammed down our throats at every turn: music, movies upon movies, novels, tv shows, advertisements–need I go on? “All you need is love! Do, do, do ,do , do…” Which is great, if you have found your one, true love. Otherwise, it sort of leaves you hanging without what you need. So, you either spend your energy chasing that need, or you’ve wised up to the fact that the script is a hoax and you spend your energy trying to surgically remove that need–much trickier than it sounds. I sometimes picture two groups of protesters: one group is dressed to the nines, carrying glitter-laden posters that say “Someday my prince will come!” The other group is wearing jeans and sweats and holding signs that say, “There is no Prince Charming! Wake up and get over it!”

Personally, I don’t really want to fit in with either group–although on my really tough days, I probably oscillate between visiting one or the other or both. Still, I’m pretty sure they’re both unhealthy worldviews.

Lately, I have gotten curious about something. I’ve wondered–after years of being weaned, teethed, and fed on “happily ever after”–what happens to the longing for a fairy-tale ending after one has secured a prince (however charming) and finished the frosted, ruffled, wedding day? So, I polled some of my married friends to find out whether they still longed for the perfect ending. And if so, what does it look like post-nuptials? Here’s what I found out: One can be married to a great, charming, prince of a guy who loves the Lord and his family, and still find oneself longing for a happily ever after. Most of my friends are happily married, and in that sense feel they are already living their fairy tale. But that doesn’t mean they don’t still find themselves in low moments of feeling like life is hard and overwhelming, or messy and exhausting. My single friends and I in those moments are always tempted to think, “If I just had a life partner to tackle this with and support me, and give me a shoulder to cry on, this would be bearable.” My married friends think, “If I just had a better job; if my husband had a better job so I didn’t have to work; if we could just get pregnant; if the kids were just potty-trained; if we could just buy a house; if we could just get a bigger house for our growing family; if I just had a remodeled kitchen; if the appliances just worked properly; if I just had a maid; if I could just lose my pregnancy weight….then life would be settled and manageable and I could really enjoy it.” I haven’t pursued this research further, but I suspect that married women may at times divide into two camps of optimists and cynics as well.

There’s one essential problem with the fairy-tale ending of happily ever after: the fairy tale actually ends almost immediately with the musical swell, the camera panning from the wedding reception to the stars overhead, and the fade to credits. In other words, the fairy tale just ends “happily,” whereas real life includes the “ever after” part. With very few, refreshing exceptions, the romantic fairy-tale movies do not show Cinderella and Prince searching for apartments, or Snow White and Charming tackling an economic depression in the kingdom, or Sleeping Beauty cleaning up the diaper poo that Junior has just slung all over his royal bedchamber. I think all of the married women I interviewed would say that life is better with a partner, and that they can’t imagine their lives without their husband. But, I think they would also all say that life is still life, even when you’re married. And because it’s still life in a fallen, broken world, and the prince and the princess are still fallen, broken people–it is not exactly the picture of ease, bliss, and perfection portrayed in the movies that we long for.

So, what’s a gal to do? Is it all just a culture-induced delusion?

I don’t think so. As C.S. Lewis once postulated, the only logical explanation for a deep, universal, inherent longing for something is that it does exist. And the only reasonable conclusion for such a longing that cannot be satisfied here in this life is that we were not meant to be fulfilled completely in this life. (I’m paraphrasing.)

So here’s the position I’ve come to on this very sticky topic: I am not giving up on happily every after. But, I’m also not looking for it anymore. I don’t need to, because I’ve already found it. I just haven’t taken possession of it yet. There will never be a point in my life on earth where everything works together perfectly, where all my needs are met perfectly, all my fears are abated, and all my hopes are come true. I will never be able to fully rest in this life, with the knowledge that all is as it should be and will remain that way. Not if I marry, not if I have children, not if I win the lottery, not if I become a best-selling authoress. I will never arrive at some plateau where all of my relationships, works, and environments are in perfect harmony. It doesn’t exist.

Not here. However, I do look forward to a day when all those things are true, and much, much more. There will be a day when all my needs are met, all my flaws turned beautiful, all my desires and longings fulfilled, all my hurts and fears erased, all my joys magnified, and everything in myself, my life, and my environment will work together in perfect harmony. In fact, it is promised to me. The One who promises it is eternal, unchanging, faithful, and He purchased that promise with His own precious blood. The best promise of all for that day is that I will be fully united with Him and see Him face to face–without my sin, or brokenness, or frailty getting in the way.

Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth….And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be His people, and God Himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning nor crying nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”  Revelation 21:1-4

No longer will there be anything accursed, but the throne of God and of the Lamb will be in it, and His servants will worship Him. They will see His face, and His name will be on their foreheads. And night will be no more. They will need no lamp or sun, for the Lord God will be their light, and they will reign forever and ever.” Revelation 22:3-5

Seriously? What fairy tale can compete with that? It’s okay to long for happily ever after. We’re supposed to. Life is not as it is supposed to be. The world is not as it is supposed to be. We are not as we are supposed to be. But, God knows that. He loved us anyway, and created a happy ending to undo all the pain of the story here. He sent His only Son to die in our place, and take the penalty of our sin and brokenness, so that we could live with Him in perfection and beauty. No Prince Charming can compete with Him. No house or remodel can compare with the beauty of heaven. Nothing we could possibly find, create, discover, build, buy, or accomplish here will ever even come close. So, here’s the great news of relief: We can stop trying to create happily ever after! God has already created, accomplished, secured, and granted it to those who place their trust in Him and realize that they don’t deserve it. We are now free to embrace the life that God has placed before us, and love the people that God has placed before us–in all their weakness, brokenness, and beauty, just as they are. We can work to make the world better by making His grace and love known, all the while knowing that the happy ending is not dependent (praise the Lord!) on us. We can be content right now–dare I suggest maybe even happy?–knowing that this is not our “ever after.”

I’ve resolved to stop expecting to arrive at some point or accomplishment or milestone where life will get easy. It won’t. But, I already have my happily ever after secured for eternity in Christ. So, I’m free to embrace my life and world as they are now–messy, incomplete, imperfect, full of longing, stress, and uncertainty. I already know this is not my happy ending. This is just my journey to get there.