Remember those unexpected destinations and u-turns I mentioned in my inaugural entry? Well, I’m in the midst of another one: a u-turn this time. Or at least, that’s what it feels like. A new position in my dream job failing to materialize, I now find myself returning to my previous dream job (the one I have spent 5 years working hard to stay out of). I actually interviewed for a full-time position in this former dream job that I loved but which did not allow me to love anything else because it consumed my life. I did not get the full-time position. I got a temporary, fill-in position, with no salary or benefits for the same amount of work. *sigh* So, I get to lose all of my free time and head space and for about 1/4 of what I would get paid full-time. I feel like an American colonist ready to start a revolution: “No consumption without compensation!”

Why on earth did I take this job? That’s a very good question. I have been asking myself that question since I heard the words “I’ll take it” come out of my mouth.

You know that cute, comforting, little cliche’ phrase that people always bandy about when the ground has just suddenly given way before you, and you find yourself standing on the edge of an immense precipice with the wind threatening to pull you off into the void? “When God closes one door, He always opens another.” It always seems to be accompanied by a cheerful smile, or a gentle arm squeeze. Or, when it’s an especially hard situation or people can tell you’re on the brink of a breakdown, the creative ones will switch out a door for a window. I know they are trying to be helpful and encouraging. I genuinely feel bad for how awkward they must feel at my deer-in-headlights response of just staring and blinking. I do. But, in those moments, the thought that is usually going through my head is something like this: “Door? What door? I’m standing on the edge of an immense cliff, peering into an abyss. I’m not even looking for doors right now. I would give anything for the security of a hallway with nothing more threatening than a closed-door behind me. I’m just feeling dizzy and hoping to God I don’t fall to my doom.” (Confession: my inner dialogue is a lot more dramatic than my exterior presentation.)

Adding to the dizziness is the continual barrage of two schools of advice: 1. Wait patiently and peacefully for God to present you with another door  (or a window). 2. Keep knocking on that door until it opens; believe in your vision; fight for what you believe to be your calling; find the window next to the door and claw your way in. There is wisdom to both of these approaches. There are times when each of these responses is appropriate. But, here’s the catch: how do you know which time you’re in? Is it a time for humble submission and trust? Is it a time for bold faith and determination? How do you know when God is testing you or strengthening your resolve, and when He is blocking the path you had planned because He has another purpose for you (especially when no other purpose readily presents itself)? These are deep questions that require a lot more than a motto or a catchphrase to answer. There are examples of each season in Scripture. Joshua and Caleb persisted in believing God’s promise to deliver Canaan to them in spite of the other 10 spies who were terrified and the skepticism of the people. Joshua also led the Israelites around Jericho for seven days straight before the walls fell. Moses persisted with pressuring Pharaoh to release the Israelites for ten, successive plagues. Paul persisted in preaching the gospel to Gentiles through beatings, stoning, imprisonment, shipwreck, and any number of other circumstances that would probably cause most of us to wonder whether we were really in the center of God’s will. Abraham and Sarah had to wait patiently for about 25 years (if my calculations are correct) from the time God first promised offspring to them in Genesis 12:7 to the time Isaac was finally born. I have a feeling their knuckles were getting pretty raw from knocking on that door when they decided to take things into their own hands and try to make a window–the results of which were pretty devastating. Of course, all of those people also had a direct, audible direction/promise from God, which is not something of which I have been the beneficiary. On the other hand, there are also plenty of examples in Scripture where God changed the course His people were on, or asked them to just sit and wait for extended lengths of time.

In my own experience, God does not usually open one door after closing another. I know plenty of friends whose lives seem to work that way. Some of them actually seem to live in a game show, with multiple open doors to choose from which all promise to conceal wonderful prizes. “Okay, Johnny, show her what’s behind door number 2!” Cue the confetti. I am thinking back over the major, unexpected transitions of my life, and I can’t really remember a single time I would describe like that. My journey usually resembles something more like a shrinking hallway with many locked doors that closes in on me until I am huddled in a corner on the floor and discover a mouse-hole which I then have to squeeze through. That’s how I wound up moving in with family a few years ago. That’s how I ended up pursuing my masters. And that’s how I found myself accepting this job a few days ago. This is not to imply that those transitions have not eventually been filled with blessing and good and joy, as mentioned in previous posts. But, they are never an obvious, welcome transition that I would have chosen voluntarily barring the shrinking hallway.

So, how do you know when you are knocking on a door in faith, and when that door has turned into a wall which you are banging your head against? How do you maintain sanity when it feels like you have wasted exorbitant amounts of time, money, and energy on a door that just will not open. It is easy to be overwhelmed with fears that you have misunderstood God’s calling on your life, that you have missed out on God’s calling while you were knocking on the wrong door, that there is no door for you and you are a waste of space in the kingdom. The list goes on. Maybe you were supposed to just be peacefully resting in a zen-like “be still” moment, and you killed it with all your knocking. Maybe you should have spent less time peacefully resting in God’s presence when He really wanted you to be knocking harder, and the door is gone now. It would be much easier if God appeared in a blinding light and struck you blind while giving a clear, direct command; or appeared in a burning bush; or spoke to you directly and audibly from heaven. But, in my experience, that doesn’t happen very often; instead I find myself in a moment of loss and confusion.

I am in one of those moments now, as I consider whether or not the door I have been pounding for several years is really a wall, and I find myself walking back through a door I had no intention of ever entering again and plan to exit through as soon as possible. At times like these, I am incredibly thankful for the following truths God has impressed on me in the last few years:

1. Ultimately, I have one (ONE) calling: to receive the love of my heavenly Father, Creator, and Savior, and to share it with others. Period. God may have different purposes for different seasons of my life, but my true calling is immutable and able to be fulfilled in any circumstance. The catechism answer I learned as a child puts it this way, “Man’s chief end is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever.” Also, it’s success does not depend on me, but on God who initiated the covenant with me. (Mark 12:28-31)

2. God doesn’t do backwards. He does not waste time or experiences. He is sovereign over closed doors, walls, mouse-holes, u-turns, and dead ends. And, from His perspective, they are all moving me directly forward toward His will for my life. He is with me on every step of the journey, even the pit stops, and He is never thwarted from accomplishing His purpose to fill me with His love and conform me to His likeness. He will use everything to bring me into deeper communion with Him. (Romans 8:28-30)

3. I know where the journey ends, and it is not here. I may not know how it will end, or when. It may involve falling off a precipice, or rotting away in a hallway, or finding an unexpected door. But, no matter how many u-turns, mouse-holes, and dead ends I have to face, I know that my calling will be fulfilled: I will see my Savior face to face, and know Him even as I am known by Him, and will be like Him–I will resemble my beautiful, perfect, glorious God and reflect Him perfectly when that day comes. (I John 3:2-3)

If you are facing a dead-end, a brick wall, an insurmountable parapet, an unwelcome door, or a highly uncomfortable mouse-hole, rest assured: it is not a setback. It is a step forward in your relationship with your heavenly Father, an opportunity to draw tighter to His side, and an important milestone in being shaped into the person He created you to be. Whether you decide to continue banging on that stubborn door or to find a peaceful corner to sit and wait, you can be sure you are not wasting time if you are making that decision with God and sharing the experience with Him. Oh, and it’s okay to collapse in the corner and have a good cry; just let Him hold you while you do.